Advice for people who like to use google for advice

Never judge a book by its cover. Instead, ignore the synopsis on the back and spend hours and even days revisiting a library or bookstore reading it from cover to cover before you judge it.

If you have a fever, go to the freaking doctor and don’t place yourself in path of healthy people where your disgusting germ can piggyback and infect an entire family of innocents. If you don”t have a fever… buy a ton of OTC meds, supplements, and infect away!

If you believe he or she is cheating on you, break up with them. Whether they are or aren’t; you apparently have trust issues and you need work on that before you can be in a healthy relationship. Either way, you win.

If it looks normal and you can still wiggle your fingers or toes, your appendage probably isn’t broken. If you can’t wiggle your digits, it might be broken or it might be sprained. Either way, don’t apply weight and tough it out if you don’t have insurance.

No one likes a tattletale. Even if you’re telling on a sibling for the greater good; your parents will appreciate it, but they won’t like you. If you can tell on a sibling, it means you can rat them out to the IRS or CPS. Shame on you.

If your garbage disposal isn’t working after hitting the reset button, find the bottom of the disposal (under the sink) and fit an allen-wrench in there and turn to loosen it. If the problem isn’t fixed, call a professional. You’re welcome.

If it’s not broken, don’t fix it. Duh. You can tell it’s not broken because it’s working.

Don’t complain about free services or products (ie Facebook, Twitter, Gmail). If you do complain about it, you’re a douche bag and you should be sent to a third word country for a month.

Apple-cider vinegar is the cure all for everything- at least it’s good for reducing blemishes and minor colds (it helps with coughs- one tablespoon every fifteen minutes for two hours). If it doesn’t work, your issue requires a medical professional and NOT THE FREAKING INTERNET!).

If you feel sad and lonely that no one loves you- be thankful you aren’t living in a country where you have to dodge bullets and bombs, running from town to town, eating rats to stay alive, saying good-bye to a loved one or appendage on a daily basis… you first world spoiled cry-baby brat. And if you can read this, it means you’re a first world spoiled brat.

More to come… maybe, unless a lynch mob stops me from dispensing questionable advice.

 

 

 

 

Share

About

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *