I was unknowingly an asshole as a child. I’m sorry.

I used to think of myself as over all, a shy and sweet little girl (for the most part). I loved little animals and helped others when I could. I was polite to my elders and I was often soft spoken (outside of the family walls). The times I spoke up were among my peers when I would correct them about their ‘faith’ and religious beliefs. I may have had issues in school, but I excelled in my belief system.

In my understanding as a child, atheists were monsters full of hate and anger. Catholics weren’t Christians and their worshiping was all wrong and outdated. Mormons were a cult, JW’s were idiots, and all other religions were wrong, but it’s okay because because their cultures weren’t enlightened and they didn’t know better. It was up us to teach them ‘the way’.

I was brain washed with the words, “Jesus loves me this I know, for the bible tells me so. Little ones to him belong, they are weak but he is strong.” (repeat over and over and over again). “God is so good, God is so good;
God is so good, He’s so good to me.
He answers prayer, He answers prayers, He answers prayers, He’s so good to me.
He saves my soul, He saves my soul, He saves my soul, He’s so good to me.
Now I am free, Now I am free, Now I am free, He’s so good to me.
He cares for me, He cares for me, He cares for me, He’s so good to me.
I’ll do His will, I’ll do His will, I’ll do His will, He’s so good to me.
He loves me so, He loves me so, He loves me so, He’s so good to me” and there are about a million out there that are very similar that if sung enough times with an auditorium of people, it becomes a very effective form of cleansing the mind of free or rational thought. And who says most sects of Christianity aren’t cults?

My political beliefs also mimicked those of the people around me. Country, guns, war, money, religion and other things that took away from the true humanity of the people who inhabit this planet. ‘Murica!!!! Patriotism!!! All other countries were bad, we were better!!!!! Don’t be a dirty, tree loving, bleeding heart liberal tree hugger!!!

I not only felt I believed all of that with my heart and soul, but I would shame others who didn’t, and I thought I was doing right by my family and my church. Whether or not that was the intent of those who taught me… since it wasn’t done with responsible guidance or understanding, it just turned out that way.

God was magic! If you forgot something, it was god delaying you because otherwise you could have died in an accident. You were spared because apparently your little judgy pants were more important than the person who did die or get injured. If a child is dying of cancer, starving, or living with a crippling condition; it’s because the almighty god who watches you and judges you, has a special place for them. The little ones suffer so someone might find religion through their pain or another’s loss. If you feel it’s unfair, you’re told time and time again the tale of Job. If you whine or get upset you need to see it as a test of strength. God cares so much about you that he’s going to make your life extremely complicated so that you can be rewarded in heaven. The harder your life, the better the after reward (if you don’t stop believing). The debt slaves need to be controlled and told there is a greater reward in the afterlife so that they don’t get all educated and try to change society and the system (unless it’s to bring others into the faux reality).

Mental issues? Personal issues? Not doing well in school? Having problems with tragedy? Pray about it. Just pray, don’t talk about the issues to resolve them on your own, just trust in a deity that has no proof of existence and know that it will make everything alright- in due time… or if things don’t get better, then it wasn’t meant to be better and you’re wanting something that god doesn’t want for you (like a good paying job, home, food, medicine, etc.)

Basically those were my thoughts growing up. I’m sure I made a peer cry and get upset because I told them they were worshiping a wrong god, that they weren’t in the correct religion, that they were going to go to hell if they didn’t start believing the right way.

I was stupid kid and I was a bully/asshole. If you’ve come across this because you recognized my name and you remember me having a heated ‘debate’ with you over why you’re a bad person/lost person for not believing in a god or for not believing the correct way… I’m truly and deeply sorry. I was ignorant, I thought I was doing the right thing.

The adults in my life enjoyed flaunting their beliefs in the faces of every one with shirts, words, bumper stickers, blaring music, etc. I didn’t learn or know tact back then. I felt superior in my place in the fictional heavens and used every aspect of my life as test of faith. A silly made up story that was used to control the people from eons ago, was apparently still working in the space age, and it turned me into a religious jerk. A religious jerk who loved everyone and told them it wasn’t up to me to judge (that was Yahweh’s job), but I did judge them. I judged everyone.

It was very passive aggressive. There was always the belief that if you give people the material to get on the ‘right’ path, then it’s up to them until the day they die, to become ‘saved’. So… I know you’re going to burn for all eternity if you continue choosing your path, which is wrong, but at least I informed you of the ‘right’ way to love Jesus, obey, worship, and will behave extra godly so I can be a good example of living in the christ. Do wrong, ask for forgiveness, and mean it. God knows all, it sees all, it is all. Always pray, always ask for forgiveness, and make sure you spend a lot of money on the merchandise so that you can be a walking billboard for christ.

I read an article today that appalled me; but then I realized that I was one of the kids on playground being upset at the presence of an atheist child, and I too was probably an asshole about it.

Although I was an asshole, in my simple mind, I did feel that I had a personal relationship with an imaginary friend called, Jesus. It was a father figure to me and made me feel not so scared or alone in life. I was able to feel beauty and kindness in that relationship that I grew to learn was just me all along, the part of my mind that had understanding, confidence, hope, and love. It was needed at the time, but a lot of people learn that earlier on in life and don’t need that religious crutch to get them through the darker days, I only wish that split personality merged sooner.

Again, I’m sorry if I upset you (people who were of a different faith or non-believers). As an adult, I’m hard on people who were like I was a child and teenager. It doesn’t make it right either, but someone needs to stand up to the bullies of society and the political arena.

 

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