Training Your Man
When looking for that ‘perfect man’. The first thing you need to do is to man-proof your house. Subscribe to the sports channels for 3 mos. which is during the important training period so that they will be comfortable when introduced into the home. Don’t worry, as soon as they are settled a little more, you can unsubscribe then ‘v-chip’ the channels. Get toilet seat lids that automatically go down, purchase a universal remote if you do not already have one. (I suggest getting 2 so yours can override his… blaming the constant channel changing on a faulty TV. set. If you do everything I instruct, you won’t have to worry about him with the television set after a short while.) Stock the fridge with non-light beer, cheese food products and anything actually that is synthetic food, nothing organic. You might want to take the toilet seat covers off for awhile until the training process is over. Purchase some man toys so he won’t feel scared. Man toys besides the remote are magazines with a lot of pictures. I have learned that they don’t really care what the magazine is about, as long as it has a lot of photo’s. Go to your local Dr.s office and grab the children’s ‘Jack and Jill’ ones as I assure you that the word puzzles will keep him occupied while you talk to your best friend on the phone. A tiny red ball that he can toss and up and down should amuse him for hours on end.
After you man-proof your home, it is time to look for that cute little crotch sniffer we call man.
The best place to pick one up is at a library, supermarket, coffee shop and even a pet store. The first thing you want to look at are his shoes.
SHOES: Shoes say a lot about a man. They can estimate his income, hygiene, interests and whether or not he is a runaway who has an owner somewhere waiting for him to come home. It is a lot easier to tell you what kind of shoes to stay away from. Tattered, stained shoes mean that he either is bussing dishes or has been unemployed for at least a year. Brand new shoes with an older looking outfit that is stained and tattered means that he is unemployed and spent his unemployment check on new shoes. Nice shoes, nice outfit, means he is gay or has an owner. Try looking for the middle ground. Moderately worn, with clothes only he could have picked out. If he does have an owner who lets him out dressed like that… then he should be removed from that relationship as that is abuse.
RING FINGER: Always look at his left hand for a ring, ring marks or a tan line on his ring finger. If he has a fading tan line (the ring is the equivalent of dog tags) then he could be recently divorced or widowed. (Never ever go for a man who is separated as that basically means he is considered ‘lost’ and his owner may still come back to claim him. Wait until his owner signs the papers.
WALLET: If possible, try to get a glimpse into his wallet. He should have only 2 credit cards. Any more than that, he is a risk, any less, he is… well… unable to buy you a birthday present so don’t even attempt it. Look for pictures of ex-owners. Unless they died, he should not have more than one in there. If he still keeps even the one after you take him home, and refuses to toss it, toss him. And always check to see if his previous owners are prettier than you. If so, ask him if they are, and make sure he says ‘Not even close.’ If he admits they are, then you are up for a long road of training.
LIVING SITUATION: Only acceptable living situations are with 1- 2 male roommates or by himself. PERIOD.
Once you found the adorable little scamp, have him ask you out for dinner aka/ the interview. It is here where you can see if he is worth training, doesn’t need much training (ALL men need some kind) or if he will be too much work.
AN OBEDIENT MALE WILL: Pick you up at your door, although I STRONGLY suggest you meet him at the restaurant in separate vehicles because in this day and age, to do the other is just not safe. Once there, he should open the door for you, offer to take your coat and offer you the seat of choice first before he sits down, offer that you order your meal first, not make any remarks when you go to use the bathrooms (by remarks I mean commenting on your duration in there or possible duration) A conversation should flow freely, and lack the content of ex-owners. As you are eating, note his table manners, how does he hold his silverware? Napkin placement? Mouth opened or closed? Next is the arrival of the bill. He should not ask if you want to go Dutch. He should assume he is paying even if you want separate checks. After the meal he should help you on with your coat, tip the server, walk you to your car and make some mention of a continuing date in the near future. Watch for a man who tries to kiss or get too close on the first date. It usually means that he doesn’t respect boundaries and will try to rush physical encounters, perhaps even forcefully. If he doesn’t do all of this, yet isn’t vulgar, and touchy, there is still hope.
*Yawns* I know all that is boring, as most of you are familiar with this already. What a lot of you need to know is what to do with them once you take them home.
BRINGING YOUR PET HOME: First of all, if you have any other pets at home, slowly introduce your man to them. Both animals might be jealous of each other at first, so be gentle with them until they get to know each other better and understand that you have enough love for everyone. Show him where the bathroom is so you don’t run into possible ‘accidents’ and introduce the television almost immediately or the stereo so he doesn’t become nervous or agitated.
TRAINING: There are a few testing phrases to check his loyalty and devotion to you. They also can be a real ego boost when you are having a down day. Even if you don’t care to know, don’t even value his opinion, you still need train him with them or he will never learn.
Reward them for right answers by showing affection, offering a treat or turning it to a channel they may want to view.
Reprimand by correcting them, questioning them, making them feel guilty, withholding affection and taking away their entertainment.
1. Does this make me look fat? Correct answers would be- ‘Not at all.’ ‘It makes your breasts stand out.’ ‘Impossible’
2. Notice anything different about me? (use it as a trick question for when you didn’t actually change anything, you just want to know if pays close enough attention) Correct answers would be- It would depend on what you changed. If you changed nothing, he should say ‘You look beautiful as always’… or ‘Have you lost weight?’ Although that could mean that he thought you looked fat before.
3. What do you think of my best friend? Correct answers would be- Anything other than ‘She’s okay’ is not okay. It could mean he interested in her or hates her if he says anything else.
4. Do you like my cooking better than your mom’s? Correct answers would be- (along the lines of) ‘Comparing your cooking with my moms is like comparing the Rainbow Room with McDonalds, yours of course being the gourmet.’ To have yours equal to his grandmothers is perfectly okay and a compliment.
5. If you ask him any questions about his past owners, he should fake amnesia. Unable to recall anyone before you as they were all bitches.
Be consistent with where he is able to sit in your home, and make sure every time he comes over it should never be empty-handed. Even one little rose or anything to let you know he was thinking of you.
Now for conversing with a man. I say don’t even worry about it. More than likely they won’t even recall any conversation you have had with them and even more so, they won’t understand it. It is best to have female friends for intellectually stimulating conversations. Always try to speak in simple sentences and have an easel board in your living room for when you need to draw that very important diagram to explain yourself, even cave drawings seem to work just fine. Just don’t pay too much attention to detail as that just seems to confuse them further.
Remember that they respond better to commands rather than suggestions. That is why do they so well in the military. Yet always make sure your tone is friendly.
Once you have mastered the basics of training them with a soft voice, making them feel loved and secure… It is time to move onto pain association.
A tight hard pinch on the arm when they look at another female or a slap behind the head usually works. It is not total abuse, rather it reminds them that when they do that, it hurts you. When you are in pain, they are in pain. And after, give them a loving yet stern look. If you think that this is extreme, think of the thousands of years they beat, raped, and killed us for doing less. Not to mention it is still going on in this world.
A relationship with a ‘good man’ can be very rewarding. It takes time and effort, but all good things do. I must also point out that you want to try to and find your man when he is still fairly young. Or try to get them 3 years younger and no more than 3 years older than yourself than yourself. An older man has the impression that he is in charge. If he is mature (laughing at that oxy moron) then his dominating manner comes out only once in a blue moon. But you want to make it so it doesn’t come out at all as you need to let him know that you are the ‘den’ leader. Leader of the pack, queen bee etc… and he is the poor worker bee used for services of various nature. Do not abuse your man to where his spirit is broken as that makes for a whiny wimpy pet and heck, that is a hard sight to set your eyes upon.
Here we will have the question and answer section where you write in with your questions about men and we will try to help you.
DISCLAIMER: This is only meant for amusement… do not attempt at home
Dawn Masuoka 2001