Survival 101- How To Survive A Horror Film

Tips on survival if you happen to get sucked into a vortex where you are in a horror flick.

Survival 101

Things that get you killed:
Cracking stupid jokes.
Wearing high heels. If you are being chased, take them off.
Skinny dipping. Best to avoid non group swims all together.
Sex.
Taking your clothes off for any reason (notice the pattern)
Being drunk
Being the ‘prettiest/most handsome’ one- or at least thinking you are, try to play down the self esteem
Having breast implants. Implants = death

This is my take on how to survive in a horror film. Well, survival is not guaranteed, but it will help you get more air time. Do not be brainy, stupid, or clownish. Those behaviors will get you slaughtered without any hope of survival. You want to be average.

Be a relative of the killer. Never bully anyone in school- most times it is a revenge thing. Ask your parents if they intentionally or unintentionally killed anyone.

A trend that I noticed in a lot of horror films, is there is usually a Jeep in the background. I suggest that if you see a Jeep, then get the hell out of the area. Why take the chance?

If you hear a noise, don’t go outside to investigate. Turn on the porch light and run like hell into the nearest hiding spot. But make certain it is on the ground level. I know it all sounds cowardly, but you want to live.

Keep your car keys on you at all times. Hell, make like a dozen sets of keys and keep one in each pocket, in your shoes, make earrings out of them, necklaces etc… and before you go on a ‘vacation’ with friends, have your vehicle checked out.

If someone is ‘missing’ don’t go looking for them. Presume they are dead already and you will mourn for them in the morning. See, mourning and morning fit.

If you see someone getting slaughtered, don’t stand there and scream, turn and run like hell. If the murderer has you cornered, then take one of the dozen sets of keys you have on your body and jab him in the eye. Then run like hell. When you are running like hell, run to the road, don’t stray into the woods as they like to magically pop into the forest, hiding behind trees and jumping from behind rocks. You know if you are in a vacation home or any type of accessible place via ground vehicle, there has to be a road. If the killer is IN a vehicle… then get off the freaking road! I don’t know how many deaths I have seen where the idiot continues running in the road- continuously turning to see the car heading straight towards them. Turning around also shaves time off your chances to survive. One big advantage of the killer being in the road in a car and you being on foot, is that you can make a quick 180 and the killer has to take more time turning around.

When you are in a hallway and the murderous fiend is no where in site, do not lean up against in a wall- in case you do, do not panic, nine out of ten times the killer will miss you by mere inches. Please do not use that time to freak out and start screaming hysterically. Instead, realize that you now have a cushion of time to haul yourself out of the area as you now know where s/he is, they have to pull their weapon out of the plaster, and go around the corner. That leaves you with at least a ten second head start as they will probably take their time as they are assuming you hyperventilating or something.

Never breath a sigh of relief until the killer is in a zillion pieces, even then- put his/her remains in a blender, even then, distribute the remains in a hundred small containers and seal them all. Take the containers and… hmmm if you burn them, then the essence of the killer can join in a cloud of smoke and come back after you. If you bury it in the ground, then a dog can dig it up, or a child can dig them up or the container can leak… basically the killer can unite again. I think the best thing to do with the containers is buy a 12 ft. thick safe with a 289485789327432174293 843209859208592-852859208592 number combination code and make sure you have the safe in an area where there are no earthquakes or any chance of some force cracking it open.

If you survived a killer and a year later someone mentions his/her name again, go get plastic surgery and get the hell out of the country. Don’t worry about the plastic surgery, just don a wig and shades and leave on the next flight and make sure no one who was with you the first time around is with you.

Make sure you never go on vacation to a home on an island with no one else around.

If you are in a neighborhood and someone is chasing you, don’t knock on the freaking doors and leave if no one answers, if lights are on, break a window and get in. That is no time to be polite. If the phone rings and it is a killer making threats, hang up and don’t answer it again.

I really hopes this helps if ever you find yourself walking around with bloody fonts scrolling down the walls and eerie music starting up in the background when you don’t have your stereo on. It is then that you know you are now in a horror movie.

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